


Forgot To Love Me, Too

by SwanSongremix



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Be Kind to Others, Eating Disorders, F/M, I'm looking at you Phasma, Protective Kylo Ren, Rey Needs A Hug, Soft Kylo Ren, Trigger Warning: Depiction of Eating Disorder, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, insecure rey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:15:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23825908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SwanSongremix/pseuds/SwanSongremix
Summary: "Rey knew she had gained a bit of weight recently, she just didn’t think it was noticeable enough to be commented on. Since moving in with Kylo, she found herself treating herself to extra snacks outside of meals. She had always been lean. When she was younger, food was scarce. She grew up rationing and hoarding in order to keep herself alive. But now, she has a warm home with overflowing pantries and a man who loved her. Can she be blamed for indulging a little?"Rey begins to feel insecure about her body. Rude comments from her boyfriend's jilted ex-lover and a fear of abandonment lead Rey down a dark path.Kylo watches in fear as the love of his life struggles with an internal battle.
Relationships: Phasma/Kylo Ren (Past), Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 8
Kudos: 122





	Forgot To Love Me, Too

**Author's Note:**

> This was a tough subject.
> 
> Trigger Warning: Depiction of eating disorder and unhealthy coping mechanisms.

“Better slow down there, Niima.”

Rey paused, half eaten chocolate glazed donut hovering just outside her mouth. The smarmy voice of Gwendoline Phasma ruining the mood of her post meeting victory donut. Rey had totally dominated the room that morning with her presentation, much to the ire of a few of the older reps, Phasma included. And the best part was that she had done it all without the help of a certain, handsome project manager.

“I beg your pardon?” Rey asked politely.

“I’m just saying, it looks like domestic bliss also comes with a few extra pounds,” Phasma said, eyeing Rey’s midsection. “Keep that up,” she gestured to Rey’s victory donut, “ and it won’t be long before the boss’s favorite becomes the boss’s has-been.” Phasma flicked one of her golden locks over her shoulder and strutted out of the break room, leaving Rey standing in shock.

The audacity! Rey knew Phasma’s harsh words stemmed from her past with their manager, Kylo Ren...who also happened to be Rey’s current boyfriend. Since they started dating two years ago, Rey had been dealing with backlash from the jilted ex. She had done her best to not let it phase her, and she had believed all ill will to have died down in the last few months. But of course, Phasma had to swoop in and ruin her mood on such an important day. Now, instead of worrying about how she had performed, she was more worried about how she looked up there.

Rey knew she had gained a bit of weight recently, she just didn’t think it was noticeable enough to be commented on. Since moving in with Kylo, she found herself treating herself to extra snacks outside of meals. She had always been lean. When she was younger, food was scarce. She grew up rationing and hoarding in order to keep herself alive. But now, she has a warm home with overflowing pantries and a man who loved her. Can she be blamed for indulging a little? This was the first time in her life she felt safe enough to pudge up a little. But what if Phasma was right? What if Kylo stopped loving her if she was no longer the lithe little thing that first traipsed into this office. Would he leave her? He wouldn’t fire her, he wasn’t that cruel. But he could cut her off from the love and safety he had showered her in for the last two years.

_ No. _

No, she would not let Phasma get in her head. That’s what the bitch wanted. Well, Rey wasn’t falling for it.

And yet…

In the following weeks, Rey began to feel more and more self conscious. It was little things at first. Her favorite pair of jeans were a little too snug. She found her ass bumping into more things than usual, and she swore her tummy was poking out a bit too far in her tight pencil skirts.

On top of that were the comments.

Comments from Phasma, of course. Constantly shaming her for what she was eating in the break room or how unflattering her outfit was. But the worst were from her other coworkers.

_ “Damn, Rey, you know you don’t actually have a hollow leg,” Poe joked. _

_ “Will you please save some for the rest of us,” Armitage griped over morning bagels. _

_ Rose gestured at the box on the second shelf. “Can you get it? You  _ are  _ bigger than me.” _

Little things that they probably didn’t know would affect her just kept swirling around Rey’s head. What if Phasma was right? Clearly others could see it, too. It was only a matter of time before Kylo would catch on. What if he noticed all the weight she had been gaining and decided to cut his losses? Past abandonment traumas reared their ugly head, reinforcing her thought process. Kylo had always seemed to love how small she was. She was his “little scavenger.” All of his love and nice words would leave with him if she allowed herself to get too comfortable. 

But, no matter. She could fix this; a plan slowly forming in her mind. She would lose the weight and then some. Go back to being the cute little thing everyone in this office used to say she was. Her jeans would fit, the comments would cease, and Kylo would still love her. 

Yeah, she could do this.

***

The first few days weren’t so bad. She had started skipping breakfast and lunch, and only gave herself half portions at dinner. She ceased all snacking and had started taking long walks on her lunch breaks and after work. Her muscles were sore and she seemed to have a perpetual headache, but she knew it would all be worth it soon. She had always had a fast metabolism. Just a couple more weeks and she will have snapped right back.

After a week of her new routine, Kylo seemed to notice something was off.

He walked up to her cubicle just as she was switching shoes from one of her break-time walks. “Hey, sweetheart,” he said casually. “Where were you?”

Rey paused. She couldn’t just say she went for a walk because that would prompt Kylo to ask if she’d eaten anything. And Rey knows what a mother hen her boyfriend could be. He’d probably offer to get her something that Rey had no intention of eating. Best to just make something up. “Oh, I went down to the little sub shop on fourth. I forgot to ask if you wanted something,” she lied. She felt guilty, lying to him. But she knew how Kylo was. He was always bringing her food and offering her snacks. Most of her weight gain had started with Kylo and his bad snacking habits. It wasn’t his fault Rey had no self control. Besides, Kylo was over six feet tall and built like a brick house. What had Rey been thinking trying to match him for food intake?

“Oh,” Kylo said with a small frown. “Well, I just thought we would have lunch in my office today. We haven’t done that in a while.” 

“Aw, baby I would have loved to, but I’ve been so busy this last week with the Holdo account. I promise, I’ll make time soon,” she cooed. She leaned up and gave him a quick peck on the lips. Never trusting her nosy coworkers, she pulled his face closer to her, leaning into his ear to whisper. “But, don’t worry,” she purred in her most seductive voice, “I promise to make it up to you tonight.” She promptly pulled back and sent him a wink.

With a goofy grin and slightly glazed eyes, Kylo made his way back to his office.  _ There, _ she thought.  _ Crisis averted.  _

***

“What is that?” Kylo asked, his voice muffled by the spoonful of cereal he had just shoved in his mouth.

Rey continued unpackaging the new digital scale she had ordered. “Um, a scale?” She replied, pulling bubble wrap off of the device. 

Kylo made his way around the counter and put his arms around her waist. She tensed for a second, doing her best to suck in her tummy. She hoped Kylo couldn’t feel the blubber that had formed there. 

He kissed her neck. “Yeah, but what is it doing here?” He asked curiously.

“Oh, my doctor recommended it at my last appointment. Figured I might as well listen to him.”  _ Lies, _ her traitorous mind supplied.

Kylo looked down at her, brow furrowed. “Are you okay?” He asked, worry evident in his tone. “What would you need a scale for?”

“I don’t know. He was just talking about all kinds of stuff people should keep in their houses. You know, thermometers, first aid kits. And, you know...scales.” God, she hoped he couldn’t detect the bullshit.

“Hmm,” Kylo shrugged. “Okay, there’s that empty corner in the master bath. Just stick it there, I guess.” With that, he lumbered back over to his stool and continued to demolish his bowl of rice krispies.

“Will do,” she said, making a quick exit out of the kitchen. She blew out her breath once she was out of ear shot. This wasn’t so bad. I mean, yeah, lying to your significant other was bad. But it would just be a few more weeks. Then she would have lost the weight and she could go back to not feeling guilty.

Yeah. That was another lie. One that she was telling herself.

As time progressed, Rey became increasingly consumed with losing weight. She avoided eating as much as possible and had increased the mileage on her daily walks. She found herself sad and anxious most of the time. Sad because of the nasty voice in her head that was constantly ridiculing her for the way her body looked, and anxious because of the shame associated with any bite of food that passed her lips. Every outfit in her closet mocked her, all too tight and too unflattering. She would poke and prod at herself in the mirror, all the while hating every supposed role or patch of cellulite. She had never been insecure about her body, but since Phasma started her nasty comments, Rey couldn’t help but notice every flaw.

She wanted so badly to talk to Kylo about all of this, but she was afraid that if she voiced her fears, he, too, would begin to see her imperfections. She had begun leaving the light off when he initiated intimacy, hoping to hide her huge thighs and tummy roles. How could he even look at her with anything other than disgust? She knew she had been shutting him out more and more, but it was the only thing she knew. She had been alone for most of her life, and suffering alone was what she did best. 

***

Kylo had begun to worry about Rey.

His usually vibrant girlfriend had become withdrawn, quiet. Her usually graceful movements had become ginger and slow, and he found her thoughts to be wandering at best. More concerning is the amount of weight she seems to have lost. When they had first started dating, Kylo had made it his mission to see to it that Rey never had to go hungry again. Fresh out of college and putting all of her efforts into her first corporate job, Rey had little time or money for food, and it had broken his heart to see the desolate state of her pantry his first time visiting her apartment. He had been happy to see the hollowness of her cheeks fill out and to feel the soft curves that had been slowly growing over the last two years of their relationship. He attributes most of it to her finally agreeing to move into his condo, where he always made sure to keep plenty of food in stock. 

Growing up in the foster care system in the UK, Rey had developed an unhealthy relationship with food. From her stories, Kylo learned that many of her guardians had used food restriction as a form of punishment. One man, Unkar Plutt, used to put locks on his fridge and cabinets, making it impossible for Rey to get any food without permission. She never really talked about it, but Kylo knew that Rey would sometimes hoard food when she was stressed, an old defense mechanism that had saved her life as a child. He never brought it up, afraid of upsetting her. He just made sure to always have food available for her.

Over the last year, Rey had gotten better with allowing herself to indulge. She never passed up a good meal, but when they had first started dating, she had been hesitant to snack. Popcorn during a movie, licorice on a long drive, small snacks that Kylo never thought twice about, Rey was always suspicious when he offered her food outside of meal times. In time, she slowly grew accustomed to Kylo’s snacking habits and had developed some of her own. He thought she had been getting better, but another glance at her told him otherwise.

As far as Kylo knew, this all started after she said she had gone to the doctor a few of weeks ago. He had been concerned, as she had not previously mentioned a doctor’s appointment. When he saw the scale, he was even more confused. What did she need a scale for? But then she started becoming distant. She was reserved in a way that Rey had never been with him. Their sex life had all but dried up. Even cuddling was out of the question. Any attempt to hold her was met with tension in her body and a quick rejection. He had thought it was something he may have done, but then he noticed the weight loss. Her already tiny body was reaching new levels of small, and not in a good way. She was wasting away right in front of him, and there was only one thing that Kylo knew could do this to someone: cancer.

His father had died of cancer five years before he met Rey. It had been unbearable to witness. His larger than life father had been reduced to nothing but skin and bones in a matter of months. He had died, small and pale, in that hospital bed, leaving a stricken family behind to mourn. It had been the darkest time of Kylo’s life, and his greatest fear was that he was going to have to relive it with the love of his life, his precious Rey.

But before he could jump to conclusions, he had to talk to her, first.

It was Saturday morning, and Kylo was making his famous chocolate chip pancakes. He knew they were Rey’s favorites. He had also whipped up some scrambled eggs and had sliced some strawberries to add to the fruit salad. There was no way she was passing this up.

He heard their bedroom door close and waited for the quiet patter of her socked feet. He watched as she shuffled into the kitchen and headed straight to the coffee pot. Her frail arms reached up for a mug in the cabinet, and Kylo frowned when he saw that he could count her vertebrae through her shirt. He mentally kicked himself for allowing things to get this bad. 

“Morning, sweetheart,” Ben sing-songed. “I made your favorites. Chocolate chip pancakes, fruit salad; I even made the eggs with garlic, the way you like.”  _ Please eat this. Give me some peace of mind.  _

Rey tensed. “Oh. Thank you...but I already have plans to have brunch with Tallie.” She turned to face him, a fake smile plastered to her face. Her gaunt, pale face. 

“Really?” He asked suspiciously. “I don’t recall you mentioning that.”

She threw her hands up in a show of exasperation. “Well, maybe I didn’t! I don’t have to tell you everything, Kylo!” The sudden show of anger threw Kylo for a loop. What was going on with her? Rey had never been so short with him. She had also never been so closed off. Since when had she stopped telling him everything? When did he stop being her confidant?

His heart hurt at her words. “I wish you would,” he whispered softly.

Rey scoffed, dumping the rest of her coffee into the sink. “Thank you for making breakfast,” she snapped as she stormed past him, “but I’m going to be late if I don’t get dressed now.” With that, she swept out of the kitchen. 

_ Well, that could have gone worse. _

***

By week nine of Rey’s new “fitness journey,” things took a turn for the worse.

She had been tracking her calories and had limited her intake to no more than three hundred a day. She was starting to feel pleased with herself, as she had already lost seventeen pounds.

The downside was that her body was in constant pain. If it wasn’t her empty stomach, it was her pounding head or her sore legs. She had started to feel faint if she found herself standing too long, her vision swimming if she stood up too fast.  _ Little inconveniences _ , she told herself.  _ Nothing to be concerned with. _

Kylo, on the other hand, was very concerned.

It was sweet at first. He didn’t say anything about it, but she knew he noticed because he had started bringing her food throughout the day. An apple on his way to the copier. A bag of M&Ms after a meeting. All these little offerings being brought to her warmed her heart, but also started to increase her frustration.

How could she lose weight if he kept plying her with temptations? She would thank him and throw them out the moment he had his back turned. She knew he meant well, but she was starting to think he was trying to sabotage her.

Rey immediately felt guilty for that thought. Kylo wouldn’t do that. He was a tough businessman, and ruthless in a conference room, but he had never been malicious towards others. If she would just tell him what was going on, she was sure he would understand. But there was a small chance that he wouldn’t, and she was just too afraid to risk it.

But then he had tried making her breakfast. A few months ago, Rey would have tucked right in to the huge spread he offered, and then maybe reward him with a morning blow job right there in the kitchen. Unfortunately, Rey had a goal, and no amount of her favorite food was going to sway her. So she lied. Again. She lied about going out for brunch just to get him off her ass, but then he called her on her bullshit. Feeling cornered, she lashed out. She had spent the rest of the day walking around town feeling like the world’s biggest asshole. As she walked she decided she needed to be more careful. Kylo was clearly catching on to her secret weight loss campaign. She just needed to be more alert. Now, she always made sure to leave an empty dish in the sink in the mornings to trick him into thinking that she ate breakfast, but he began to notice when she stopped eating during her lunch breaks. It caused a couple more fights between them, but Rey continued to assure herself that this was only temporary. Soon, she would have met her goal, and they could go back to being a happy couple.

On a Wednesday afternoon, Rey was standing in line for the copier. It seemed everybody and their mother was in need of copies, and she was just going to have to wait her turn. Unfortunately, the longer she stood there, the worse she felt. Her stomach had been protesting loudly all morning, and she had done her best to ignore it. Quick movements had caused her to feel queasy and faint. She told herself to get it together. Plenty of people dieted and still went about their day.

Soon, the line moved forward, prompting Rey to move with it. But when she took a step forward, large black dots encapsulated her vision. The last thing she saw were the shocked faces of her coworkers as her body fell towards the floor.

***

“-an ambulance?”

A cool hand was cupping her cheek. “Please? Thank you, Kaydel,” a husky voice said near her.

Rey slowly peeled open her eyes, and immediately regretted it.

Poe’s stricken face came into view first, worried eyes scanning her visage for a hint of injury. He was kneeling next to her prone form, tie askew and blazer nowhere in sight. A small shift confirmed that it was bundled under her head, shielding her from the hard office floor. Next, was the rest of her cowokers, who were huddled a few feet away. What had happened? Why was she on the floor?

“Poe?” Oh, God. Her voice sounded rough.

“Hey there, sunshine,” Poe said with a forced smile. “How you feelin’?”

“Um, okay? Why am I on the floor?”

“You tell me. You were the one that decided to take a nap standing up,” he joked. His face was still a mask of concern. “Don’t worry, I caught you before you could hit your head, but Rey-”

“Where is she?!” A deep,baritone voice interrupted.

_ Oh no. _

In seconds, Kylo, too, was crouched over her. If she felt bad about the distress Poe was in, she wanted to smack herself for the terrified look on Kylo’s face. His hands trembled as he reached out, pulling her body up to be cradled in his lap. “Oh my God. Rey, are you alright?” He asked, hands smoothing stray hairs from her forehead. His gaze snapped over to Poe, eyes narrowed. “What happened?”

Poe placatingly put his hands up. “I don’t know. One minute I’m waiting to make copies, next, Rey’s swandiving towards the floor. I caught her before she could hit anything.” 

“I already called an ambulance. It’s on the way, Mr. Ren,” Kaydel said from the reception desk. 

“Thank you, Kaydel,” Kylo responded. He was staring at Rey again, so many questions swirling in his amber eyes. “And thank you, Poe. Truly.”

“No problem, man.” Poe looked down at Rey, “Do you need some water?”

Rey had never felt more embarrassed in her entire life. “No, I’m fine. Thank you.”

“Alright,” he said kindly. He looked back to Kylo. “Take her home after she gets checked out. Do you want me to let Rose in HR know that she needs a couple days off?”

“No!” Rey replied too quickly. “No, I’m fine. Really. It was just a little spell. I’m good.” She wasn’t going to start slacking off because of a little weight loss. Seriously, she was fine. These big brutes kept acting like she was fragile, but she was a big girl. Everything was under control.

Kylo frowned. “No, you’re not.” He glanced at Poe. “Yes, please. Tell her she’ll be back on Monday. Phasma,” Kylo addressed the blonde, “you’re in charge of the Ackbar and Ford accounts until Rey gets back.”

“Great, more work,” Phasma scoffed. “If I faint next, can I get a vacation, too?”

Rey’s cheeks heated further. “Kylo, seriously I’m fine.”

“Not a debate,” he said harshly. 

Shuffling at the entrance of the office drew everyone’s attention. “Right this way,” Kaydel said as she guided the EMTs over.

“Oh, God,” Rey groaned.

This couldn’t get any worse.

*** 

Three hours and a prescription for multivitamins later, Rey finally kicked off her shoes in the doorway, while Kylo brushed past her to hang up his coat. The car ride back from the hospital had been quiet, and Rey was beginning to worry that Kylo had heard what the doctor had said.

_ “My dear, do you know what an eating disorder is?” _

_ Rey scoffed. She was not anorexic. She was just trying to shed a few pounds, not kill herself. “I can assure you I am not anorexic,” she responded hottily. _

_ “Well, then, you are clearly malnourished and dehydrated. Have you had anything to eat at all in the last twenty four hours?” The doctor asked with concern. _

_ “Yes, I had breakfast this morning,” Rey lied, “but I’ll admit I skipped lunch.” _

_ “Have you been feeling dizzy, lately? Any headaches or muscle cramps?” _

_ “Nope, I was fine until this afternoon.” It wasn’t like the good doctor could fact check her. _

_ “Alright,” the doctor said as she reached for her notepad, “but I’m going to prescribe you some multivitamins. Twice a day, once in the morning and once at night should clear up some of the deficiencies that came up on your chart.” The doctor scribbled on the paper and then reached into a drawer on the side table. From it, she pulled a couple of brochures out and handed them to Rey. “Just in case you need to talk with someone.” _

_ Rey looked at the brochures and was immediately infuriated by the titles:  _ Eating Disorders: How to Help, Eating Disorders in the Workplace. _ She didn’t have a bloody eating disorder! “I can assure you, I won’t need these,” Rey said, brows drawn in anger. _

_ “One never knows,” the doctor replied in a clipped tone. _

“Rey?” Kylo’s quiet voice pulled her from her reverie.

“What’s up?” she asked as she stowed her shoes in the closet.

As the silence stretched, Rey looked up and immediately was taken aback by the tears in Kylo’s eyes. He gestured towards the couch. “Can we sit?” He asked nervously.

She blinked. “Yeah,” she said breathlessly, making her way over to the living room. Kylo’s somber eyes tracked her movement, as if he was afraid she would disappear if he looked away. She quickly lowered herself to the couch, turning to face him. He was sitting in the love seat adjacent to the couch, elbows leaning on his knees as he stared at her in the dim light emanating from the kitchen.

Kylo cleared his throat. “Rey, I...Shit, I really don’t know how to start. Um...you know I love you, right? And you know I...you can tell me anything, Rey. Whatever it is, I’m here for you. I’ll always be here for you.” 

Rey sighed. “Kylo, I’m fi--”

“No, you’re not,” Kylo said quietly, but with conviction. “You’ve been weird lately. You’re quiet and, I don’t know? Spacey? You don’t eat, and when you do it’s not much. You’re thin, Rey, and I’m scared that you’re sick and you’re not telling me! This all started after you said you went to the doctor and now you’re fainting at work?” He reaches out and takes hold of her hands. “Please, I need to know. Are you sick?” He asks in a whisper. The fear in his eyes makes Rey want to scream. She dropped a few pounds and now he thought, what? That she had cancer?

“No! Where did that come from?!”

“Rey, look at you!” He exploded. “You can’t sit here and tell me you’re fine! You’re not! And I’m scared, Rey! I’m so fucking scared,” he says, covering his face with his hands. His shoulders start shuddering and Rey knows he’s truly crying now. And it’s all her fault. “Please. You know what happened with my dad. Please, just tell me I don’t have to do that again,” he whimpered.

Rey jumped off the couch and fell to her knees in front of him. She grasped his wrists, trying to get a look at his face. “Baby, no. No, no. I don’t have cancer, I swear. It’s nothing like that. Kylo, look at me,” she said sternly. His head slowly raised from his palms. She felt crushed at the pain in his eyes. She had done that. Rey slowly realized that she may have taken things too far. She had let Phasma mess with her head and now the most important person in her world was reduced to tears because she had failed to open up to him. She had to fix this. She took a deep breath. “Do you really want to know what’s going on?”

“Yes, please,” he said desperately.

“Well…” How do you even have this conversation? Your ex was a bitch, and now I’m starving myself in a futile attempt to keep you? My abandonment issues have swayed me to conform to society’s ridiculous standards of beauty? I can’t eat without fear of losing everything? He was going to hate her, she realized. Here he was, crying in fear because he thought she was sick, when in reality she was just trying to shed a few pounds. Had she just told him from the beginning what was going on, they wouldn’t be here right now. “Um, okay. So, please let me get this out, and try not to get mad.” He was looking at her in confusion, face still blotchy from crying. “I’m not sick. Let’s just get that out there. Not dying. Um, but I noticed that I’ve gained some weight...and I was just trying to, you know, slim down a bit…”

Kylo blinked. The confused look on his face would have made her laugh if the circumstances were different. “I…” He started. Then paused. His eyes searching her face. “I don’t understand.”

Rey let out a harsh sigh, “See, I knew you wouldn’t. This is stupid,” she said in frustration, moving to get up. But Kylo’s hands stopped her, grabbing her by the shoulders and keeping her in place.

“No, Rey. Stop it. See? You’re shutting me out again! Just give me a minute here,” he said in exasperation. “Why would you be trying to lose weight? I don’t get it?”

“Um, because I’m fat?” She stated harshly. She huffed a laugh at his stricken expression, tears blurring her vision. “Don’t act like you hadn’t noticed! I was disgusting and out of control, but I’m working on it! I’ve been doing really good. I st--”

“Rey, what are you talking about?” Kylo said in a pained voice. “Are you even hearing yourself? Sweetheart, where is this all coming from?”

Tears were threatening to fall as Rey tried to get herself under control. “Who cares!?”

“I do!” Kylo shouted back. “Okay? I do! Because this,” he gestured at her, “ isn’t normal. And I swear to God, I want to hunt down whoever it was that made you feel like you had to do this to yourself!”

“Kylo--”

“Don’t. Just tell me what started this. I want to help you, Rey. Even if it was just a stupid weight loss commercial or something. Just help me understand so that I can get you some help.”

“I don’t need help!” What is he planning? To ship her off to a shrink? She thought of the stupid pamphlets the doctor had given her. The ones she had promptly thrown in the garbage. “I’m not crazy!”

“I didn’t say you were!” Kylo cuts her off again. “Rey, accepting help from a professional doesn’t make you crazy. If anything, it makes you more stable than others. But that’s a later conversation. Right now, I just want to know what brought all of this on. I’m worried, okay? I love you, and I’m scared that you’re hurting and I don’t know why.”

At this point, they both had tear tracks marring their faces. What a pitiful scene they must make. This all started because Rey hadn’t just gone to Kylo in the beginning. She had kept Phasma’s harassment and her spiraling thoughts to herself because she didn’t want to involve Kylo in her pathetic drama. She had bottled it all up, and now it was here to bite her in the ass. All of the effort she had put into becoming some ideal size had taken its toll and she was just...tired. She was tired. Of the lies, and the starving, and the mood swings, and the horrible fears that plagued her. She knew it was time to talk about it, but this task seemed just as daunting as the others. Rey sniffled. “It was Phasma,” she admitted, quietly. “She had made some comments a while back, and…” Rey sniffled again, a sob threatening to break free, “and I didn’t want her to be right. And I didn’t want you to think she was right. So I...I thought I could take care of it and,” she was choked up from all of her emotions, it was so hard to get this out, “and I tried so hard, but I can’t, Kylo. Everything hurts and I’m sad all the time, and now you’re mad and I’m so tired, Kylo. I’m so tired,” she finally sobbed. 

Kylo was quick to fall to the floor with her. His strong arms easily scooped her frail frame into his lap, shushing her and cooing comforting words to her. “Rey, shhh. Shhh, baby. It’s okay. I’m not mad at you, I promise.” He slowly rocked her back and forth. “Rey, look at me.” She complied, eyes shining with tears and breathing ragged. “I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. And I’m sorry that it led to this. But baby, why didn’t you just tell me to begin with? I don’t care if you gained a little weight. But I definitely care if I watch you waste away right in front of me. And as for Phasma? She’s a bitch. She’s still mad about how things ended between us and has decided to take it out on you, and I will be having a serious discussion with her and HR about offensive workplace interactions.” He gently gripped Rey’s hand. “I love you, Rey. And I never want you to ever say those horrible things about yourself ever again. And I wish I could take all your hurt and sadness, just take it away and keep it from you. But I can’t help if you don’t talk to me,” he said sadly.

Rey continued to cry, clutching Kylo’s shirt in her fists. All of the pain and sadness of the past two months finally being released. Kylo kept rocking her and whispering kind words, the same kind words Rey had feared she would lose. She felt foolish for her behavior, berating herself for causing all of this drama. Then she stopped. Internalized shame is what got her here. She thought about what Kylo had said. She loved him so much. She loved him so much that she had let her fear of losing him consume her. It dawned on her that in that dark pit of fear and uncertainty, she had forgotten to love herself as well. How could she properly love him if she spent her time despising the person he claimed to love?

After a while, she cleared her throat. “I think…” She paused. “I think you’re right.”

“Hmm?”

“I do need help. I just don’t know how to get it.”

“That’s okay,” Kylo said quietly, “we can talk about all of that later. For now, just let me hold you.”

Rey relaxed back into his hold. Things weren’t perfect. She still had a long way to go in repairing her relationship with her body and with Kylo, but for now she was safe in the arms of a man who loved her. In this little bubble, she could pretend that everything was fine. Eventually, she would have to face the music. It didn’t seem so scary now that she knew Kylo wasn’t going anywhere, but she knew that it wasn’t going to be easy. Glancing up at the strong, beautiful man holding her on the floor of their safe, warm house, Rey knew that it would definitely be worth it. 


End file.
